i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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