Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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