I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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