oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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