You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize