even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
