I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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