you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
