Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
