hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I need water and some morals
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
