My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
