im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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