The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
