Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
