you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
