Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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