I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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