Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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