she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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