Is it because I queefed?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
