my phone needs a breathalizer
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize