He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
