Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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