The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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