Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
