walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
