god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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