I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
