I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
