I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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