I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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