Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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