I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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