May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
