Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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