I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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