Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
