i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
