Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
