Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
