So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
