Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
