Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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