It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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