and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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