I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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