I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
