why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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