Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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