K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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