well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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