I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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