Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just googled if crying burns calories
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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