How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
