I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
