Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
