I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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