U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
