you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
