Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
