Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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