She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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