Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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