I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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