I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
