someone threw a dead crab at me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
